Thoughts on the present me

I guess I never realised until recently, but when I think back to my behaviour in 2014 and before, I am generally a different character. I still have my typical moments of moodiness, enthusiasm, boisterousness, selfishness, and are still energetic and loud. But there is a clear difference in my general wellbeing. I seem to have put aside things that I obviously do not value as important or things that I feel were not positive energies in my life.

I may have drifted from people that I had in my life, for reasons or another. Some I have kept in contact with because it is habit? they are true friends? I love and care about them? they care about me too? they are good people. I have also created new friendships out of old acquaintances and completely new relationships that I have met since moving up North.

 

I would like to think that I am in a better place, a happier environment and have more freedom with my mind, more ideas, more potential and a overall happier wellbeing then what I did in Christchurch. As well as being older, I would like to think it is more then being a year older.

 

I still have my moments of depression where I do not want to do anything. I feel I cannot do anything right, everyone is against me,  my ideas get thrown back in my face or are rejected or all I guest is criticism, even if it is constructive.

Now, I try to view everything in a more positive manner. I live, work, breathe, eat, drink, sleep in such a magnificent part of New Zealand. People pay money to come here- they pay to come on a water taxi, on their own boat, they drive a few kilometres or they drive a couple hundred. I pay what I was paying in Christchurch just to rent a place, I paid food, power, internet, petrol, spending, on-top of that. I pay all inclusive at such a great price.  I no longer budget my week based on my pay, add up how many hours I am doing at work to how much my bills are going to cost me, to when I have money left for spending. I never used to have anything left over after paying rent, petrol, food, power, savings, gym membership, overdraft, IOU to mum. Now I just pay my over draft, savings and IOU to my mum and I’m sweet, happy and content.

Money shouldn’t rule your life- I realise it is a big part when you have a business, you have to be wise about it to gain a return- but i definitely do not let it ruin my day. If I do 20 hours a week, 40 hours or 60 hours, it doesn’t matter to me, I will just split my bills bigger and enjoy the beautiful place I now call home.

 

Since arriving here I have learnt so much, I have already become stronger as a person, put my opinions forward, put my ideas forward, put my touch on things. I have made changes, I have had my fair share of stumbles and criticism from fellow members of staff, from family, from my friends, from the public. Sometimes I just smile and take it, other times I defend myself, others I soak it up like a sponge and take it as advice or take it right to heart. Every-time is different, but I learn from it non the less. Each time- I may forget temporarily what I did or learnt, but subconsciously it is still there, and I am benefiting and growing from every thing I do.

I think about the small amount of time I have really been here in comparison to peoples lives and their jobs. I have been here five months.

In five months I have; completed my Liquor Control Qualification (LCQ), applied for my General Managers Certificate, learnt to tie knots, successfully tie a boat to a jetty, directed other boats at stern too moorings onto our jetty, driven Freedom the lodge boat, flipped myself off a jet ski  numerous times, practiced and succeeded making barista coffee, implemented workplace strategies for organisation in reservations and transport, taken work load off my father and other staff members, come up with ideas for the future of the business and presented them and gradually building my own proposal for the business, learnt more about staff ethics and the ways to go around things in a work place, had a fair few confrontations with staff members and family, stood up for myself and made decisions for me, not because someone else says they know what is right for me, but done it because I feel it is right for me, went fishing on a magnificent fishing charter and caught numerous snapper, and many more things.. plus many more to come.

 

Every day I am grateful for being here, for being alive. I get asked regularly where I am from, when I say Christchurch, people ask me “what was it like?” “were you okay after the earthquake?” I talk about my experience, I am so grateful to be where I am now, my own experience was not as hard as others, and I do not wish to compare my experience to one of any other person- but it did effect me mentally in ways that no one would ever completely understand- I do like to believe I have come through stronger. Christchurch will always be home, I am a Cantabrian and I love it.

 

For the future here at the lodge. I have so many ideas I wish to put into action and into place. One step at a time. I have been told many times I am boisterous and enthusiastic, but I need to remember to take a deep breath in, exhale and do things gradually. Nothing happens over night as much as I would like it too.

 

Have that Gin and Tonic, have that Bacardi Lemonade, that bottle of bubbles and relax! Things will work out as they should.

 

xx J